My life has been… rather dull. I’m not sure why you’re interested in this, because its not filled with the stuff they put in lassie movies, or the adventure you find in chips the war dog type show. Instead, it’s just the story of a mistreated family dog, a story which I feel compelled to pass one to future generations. Kind of like hamlet or something, only, that movie was so boring, I wet the couch.
I must tell you that I am risking a lot by doing this. No dog owner wants their misdeeds published, and my paw prints on the keyboard don’t help either. Lying on the couch is what I usually do on Sunday morning, not sitting on an office chair and hunting and pecking these annoying little plastic squares, (that q is really hard to hit for some reason). When my family gets home, I’ll have to run to the door to avoid suspicion, but I will return to this account when they leave me alone again.
That’s always been really annoying! They keep telling me what a great dog I am, what a brother I am, how cute I look. And yet, they don’t have the courage to take me anywhere, its not like I’ll bite the pastor, or go in the grocery store, (by go I mean…. You know…). Anyway, I get left behind so many times, and there’s never really a good reason. Just for the record, I only messed in the car because they were shooting guns… I hate guns… they scare me.
Whew! I’m telling you what… something in this house keeps making these awful smells. One could just been minding his business, and suddenly be enveloped in a cloud of nauseous fumes! The family says it’s my fault, but Chippy said he smells it after we play together, it must not like playing. Happens after I eat to… most annoying!
Yikes, I brought a character into the story without introduction, and I’m still in my opening comments. (For some reason, the computer has this wavy red line under the word Chippy, like it wants to take it out… it says it should be choppy, huh?) I should probably introduce the family to you, but that was for the first chapter! If you can wait, I’ll get to the cast in a minute. For now, I’ll just say that Chippy has the funniest teeth I’ve ever seen, except Jordan; he has barbed wire on his teeth. DANG! Did that again!
My family is always taking pictures of me, which for my purposes here… is a good thing. But on the flip side, its always pictures of me looking like an idiot. Like at my birthday party, they had the nerve to put a pointy hat on me, and scare me with loud whistles and stuff… and then take pictures… Mom is always saying… take a picture! I’ll have to sort though all of the pictures of the other people in this family, and find some ones of me that I can actually show people. Which is like 2 pictures.
So here it is, my life thus far, and remember my warning… its not for the faint of heart, or the people with a short attention span, cuz this is taking forever to type. For the rest of this tale, please take everything with a grain of kibble. It all happened to me…. for real… except that parts that I make up.
I don’t remember much of my years as a young pup. I think my memory receptors shut down those archives; it would be too painful to reopen that vault. That’s where all of my problems really started. So I guess, if I am to be truthful, or at least, partially accurate, I’ll have to put on a gas mask and go through the past, to when I lived at the dog breeder.
I think I was the runt of the litter, but I don’t really know that, cuz my eyes where closed (I hate scary things… so that’s probably why I didn’t open my eyes for the longest time). After being around me for any length of time, people always say… must have been the runt… so that’s how I know. Regardless of my entrance to this world at the bottom of the ladder, I was treated like all the other pups I guess. My brothers and sisters were great fun… and my Mother was… (I’m sorry, trying to hold it together hear, the tears are coming hard and fast…)
Ok, I’ll cut to the chase. Of all of those puppies, I was the last one to be sold, my older siblings were show dogs, made from the same bolt of cloth that Terhune (look it up… same red wavy line again.) spun his tales of collie virtue. Did I mention I am pure bred collie? Well… I am. Sable and white, my family always said something about inbred, but I think bred is shorter and sweeter, since its easier to type. Anyway, I was last, because I was NOT show quality. Ninety nine percent, that’s how close I was… but I had one defect. Mom (the human one) always said God spilled paint on my butt (yes… I am talking about my rear end). One little patch of white that kept me from stardom. Or at least, from the ‘last to be desired’ bin at k-mart, yup… that’s the truth.
So there I was, in a cage all by my self, no one to love me, no one to care (are you crying with me yet?). My mother was probably taking care of another litter, and I was just the left over from the last batch. The unwanted leftoverL
The breeder also had this strange daughter, I think they call it mentally disabled. I felt sorry for her, because she couldn’t say things right, but she sure knew how a dog wants to be loved… or NOT! She would pick me up by just one leg, or grab me into the air when I was just minding my own business! It’s a godsend that than green van pulled in the next day, or I would have bit her pretty soon, and then I would have probably been put down.
The green van was sort of a harbinger of new things to come, and would later be my dumping grounds when the gun went off. Yup, that was my family, coming to get me.
They piled out of that car and walked over, four of them: Mom, Jonathan, Jordan and Justin. Mom was like mother, she was kind and loving, and very happy to see me. Jonathan was kind of in charge, and was the first to pick me up (thankfully, not by one leg). Jordan was a scrawny kid with a laugh that sounded like a car trying to start, and Justin had a head that was slightly larger that the rest of his body, and just stood there with his mouth open… smiling. They seemed odd at first, but I would later get to know them really well, they became my brothers…
Whoops… The family just got home…. I’ll finish this chapter later.
I’m back… but only for a second, everyone went outside to rake leaves, and I feel I must voice my frustration! I love to be comfortable… really, its one of the few joys I get out of life. My family however, likes to mess with my mind, first they say… get on the couch, so I do… then Dad comes in and makes me feel all guilty like, then I get off the couch, then I get on the bed, and Mom tells me to get off, then Jordan lets me on his bed… and Mom says its cute! What is there problem? Don’t they understand I am an old guy in my years… I need the lower back support that my ortho-napper can’t provide… and if it means I have to bend some rules… they should love me enough to consent.
Family is coming inside now… I’ll have to act like I’m eating Justin’s lunch by the computer… which I am.